I’m a coward… officially… I had to “turn off” Facebook for the last 2 weeks. It was just too difficult seeing memories from the previous year being brought to my attention again. Dec 4, 2014 had me enduring something I’ve never experienced before, the loss of someone I loved, my kitty, Loki. He was my first real pet and unlike most cats, he was the most affectionate little bundle of joy.
Loki was born April 1, 2014 and was a rescue. No one wanted him because he was a black cat and I bet his birth date didn’t help matters any. Maybe that was why he was especially affectionate? Because he had to try harder? I probably loved him more for that very reason. I know what it’s like to feel the need to “be better” and “push harder” than most, just to get even a sliver of the attention that more attractive people would get with very minimal effort. He was a kindred spirit for me.
Only a few days before my birthday, I was at work when my husband called me saying I needed to come home immediately. I’ll never forget the way his voice shook. I knew something terrible had happened. We came to find out that Loki had Feline Infectious Peritonitis or FIP, which is a fatal disease. So fatal in fact, that he was given less than a month to live but we would see his condition deteriorate rapidly. He wouldn’t die peacefully. Loki would suffer…. unless we did something about it.
I stayed home the next day just to watch over him and witness his symptoms escalate faster than we’d expected. We wouldn’t have a month with Loki. We’d have a day. My husband and I brought him back to the vet the very next morning and when she saw Loki, she realized what we were asking and that was to please end our son’s suffering.
It’s still difficult even thinking about it and this is the first time I’ve allowed myself to see pictures of Loki. I avoided Facebook because I wanted to face it all on my time and my terms. Can’t be sure it even helped because I’m biting back tears and struggling to finish writing this.
In fact, I’m done.
I miss you, Loki. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.