I am NOT leaving my bed today! I refuse! The world outside is just too cruel! Too wicked! April Fools Day will NOT beat me down another year!
To any normal spectator who enjoys the frivolity and “good-natured” fun of a quick gag on this naughty holiday, April 1st seems like just any innocent day, walking down the street, humming a little tune. To those of us who thrive in the geek and gamer community, it is a day of PSYCHOLOGICAL BLOODSPORT! Everywhere we turn, we encounter mischief and mayhem, playing on our wants and needs, digging through our nerdy psyches and finding the bastions of hope only to smack them back down. Don’t get what I mean? Allow me to illustrate.
Unleash The Fanboy, wrote an article about the return of Tobey Maguire to Spiderman. Now why would you pull on our heart strings like that? Although I really enjoyed him in the role, Tobey barely looked young enough for me to believe he could have been a teenager in the first movie, much less return in yet another sequel. Especially after the cluster the 3rd movie was. I don’t even know how or why they “managed” to squish in so many storylines and characters into one flick. It was worse than that time Rachel tried to make a trifle for Thanksgiving and inserted sauteed beef as one of the layers.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the game which occupies so much of my heart and soul, World of Warcraft, advertises the introduction of T.I.N.D.R. for my garrison’s followers. First of all, that’s just mean! Secondly, WHY can’t this actually be real? My followers work very hard to make me not only rich, but also successful in my raiding. Their tireless efforts can go from 30 minutes to a full 24 hours of labor before returning with the spoils of war. They deserve a break! They deserve happiness! THEY DESERVE LOVE, DAMN IT!!!
And then! AND THEN! One of my favorite places to shop online, ThinkGeek.com, stuck a squiggly dagger into my side and twisted it over and over again. HOW did they do this, you say? Well, I’m glad you asked! They had the nerve to play on my Steampunk-obsessed noggin and fabricated a product that just screams to be made into reality: A Steam-Powered Gaming Console. How could they tug at my heart strings like this? Make this be a thing and just TAKE ALL MY MONIES!
But you know what they say, “it ain’t over till the fat lady sings” and boy oh boy oh BOY, did she ever hit a high note with this one. We’re talking Mariah Carey-whistletone high. You know? The kind that brings dogs (not boys) to the yard? You with me? Great! Let’s continue: Mashable had the muther-effing nerve, the gall, the AUDACITY to construct a story that every fiber of my being YEARNED to be true: Proof that The Force exists. That? I just can’t even talk about.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish this article, take 3 doses of NyQuil and sleep until April 2nd. Today is the embodiment of EVIL.
EVIL, I SAY!